On the decision of hiring a doula

After watching several documentaries and reading about pregnancy, labor, and birth I had my heart set on attempting a natural childbirth. At first, I heard many  disapproving comments, like: “oh sure, you will change your mind once you get there“.

In my search on getting ready for birth I decided I needed two things: 1. a class on Hypnobirthing, to better be prepared for labor; 2. a doula, someone who has seen many births, knows how to navigate the medical system, and who could give me the support that a nervous husband might not be able to do at that time.

What is a doula? The word itself comes from the Ancient Greek and means “a woman who serves”. A doula is someone who provides a woman in labor with emotional support, comfort measures, and help carrying out her birth plan. Click here for more information.

So, in my personal quest of assembling my birth plan, I started searching for doulas, even though many around me were still unsure if I was making the right decision. I have to admit so many times I also thought to myself: “what if I end up with a c-section? Won’t it be such a waste of money?” As a sidebar, some health insurances will offer reimbursement for doula services, but unfortunately that was not the case for us.

So, I met my first doula, Nancy, for an informational interview. We hit it off right away, chatting for over an hour at our local Panera. At the end of the session, Nancy tells me: “you should interview other doulas first before making a decision”. What? Am I being dumped by my doula, I thought. I liked her. I thought she liked me. Why is she telling me “to see other people”? So, I did as told and spoke to two other doulas. One, was not in town around my due date. The other, I didn’t quite click with. So, after talking to my best friend (who is also a numerologist) we decided that my heart was right the first time. Nancy had numbers that made her someone with a caring nature and so she would have to be great at her job! The numbers confirmed my initial intuition and the decision was made. Nancy Abbott would be our doula.

We met Nancy once while I was pregnant and sat for a long time, talking about our hopes and wishes for the birth, discussing our fears, reviewing strategies for a healthy pregnancy. She told us about different positions to help the baby turn, since the baby hadn’t done it so far, and 3 days later… our little one was head down!

At the end of our pregnancy weekly emails were exchanged, providing support and information. Once I reached 40 weeks and no baby, Nancy helped me manage my expectations, talked about natural labor inducers, and helped me navigate the conversations around possible induction.

And when the L-day arrived, she was there! Greeting us with her nurturing smile at 8am as soon as we got off the hospital elevator on to the maternity floor. What a start! She was there when we were told that we probably should head back home. She was with us at home. She was with us through the tough decisions. She was there 40 hours later, when our little one arrived. She helped me make decisions. She helped prepare my husband, when we DID end up with a c-section. And, boy, was it still worth having her there! That answered my question!

Two weeks later, Nancy came back to meet our little one. With her she brought a beautiful 11 pager Birth Story, so we can always remember how our pumpkin came into this world. Amongst laugh and tears, we relived that day (or those days, better yet) and processed all the emotions that were still lingering about a birth plan gone wild (subject for a future post).

Nancy will forever be in our thoughts, memories, and pictures as someone that truly helped us through one of the most difficult days we had, but also the happiest days we’ve ever had. I am 100% happy that we made the decision of hiring a doula. Not any doula. Nancy.

Doula Art – Artist Unknown

Centering Pregnancy: from never to forever

When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! However, being new to the area, my 2nd day of knowing I was expecting, was spent researching doctors, midwives, and hospitals. After a long afternoon of surfing the web and remembering some old conversations with colleagues… I decided I wanted to see a midwife at a particular practice in this area, that delivered at the hospital I wanted to have my baby.

When I first called to make an appointment I was surprised to find out the first appointment wouldn’t be until I was 8 weeks pregnant! I found out as early as possible, which meant I still had another month to wait and see if everything was ok. Torture! However, the month went by and I had my first appointment that indicated all was going well. At that appointment I was asked if I wanted to participate in their Centering Pregnancy Group. I was familiar with the model due to my own job, but always thought that would be something I would never be interested in. I surprised myself when an enthusiastic “Yes” came out of my mouth. I was pregnant for the first time, far away from family and friends, so the idea of getting to know other women that were going through the same thing appealed to me at that moment. So my first trimester went by with the regular appointments, testings, and ultrasounds and once I hit my second trimester, it was time to start these so advertised group visits.

Before my first appointment I was anxious. Why did I say yes to this? It’s going to be so weird to have my medical appointment with a bunch of women I don’t know! How do they even do the medical piece: do they take you into another room? All these questions were bubbling through my head while I headed to the medical building. When I nervously walked into the room, I said hi, quickly sat down, and browsed the room. Everyone seemed nice and equally reluctant to be there. The session started and we were taught by the Nurse Midwife and Nurse that co-led the group how we would proceed every session. They taught us how to measure our own blood pressure, track our weight gain, and where to document it. Then, each pregnant woman had one-on-one time with the midwife in the corner of the conference room, where we would hear our babies heartbeat, get our bellies measured and discuss any concerns or specific healthcare needs. The rest of the 2 hour session was spent on different topics from pregnancy symptoms, labor, newborn care, etc.

At the end of the first appointment, I have to confess, I hated it! I kept thinking why I had said yes and if I should just switch back to the regular appointments. I felt awkward sharing with the group some of my questions, I felt uneasy with my “medical” appointment being in the same room where everyone else was, and thought that a group format was just not for me. I had a month before the next appointment and time to think if I wanted to go back.

After giving it a lot of thought, I went back to the second visit. I thought I should give it another try since any first group session is always awkward.  This time around, I felt a bit more at ease  to participate and share, but still not convinced with my individual part of the visit. However, something kept driving me to come back. The following month I started enjoying other women in the group and hearing other people have the same concerns, questions, and symptoms. I started feeling more connected with the other women and finally saw what the benefit of this format could be: sharing experiences and fears with people that are experiencing the same as you.

After a handful of a lot of emotional moments and people sharing their most intimate fears and expereinces, an unimaginable bond blossomed between all of us and tears were shed at the last group session. People were now connected and wanted to keep it that way. Contacts were shared and online groups created, so this bond could endure after the group had ended.

The last month of my pregnancy I went back to my individual medical appointments. I have to say, I appreciated having more individualized medical attention, which is something I always missed a bit during the group sessions. However, not seeing all the women in the group was harder than expected. Every time I went for an appointment I would ask how they were doing, if they had delivered, etc. When we would coincidently cross paths at the office, we would spend as much time as possible chatting in the waiting room to find out how the other one was doing. All of a sudden, centering had gone from “never again” to “I will forever remember these women that shared such an important experience with me”.

One by one we started hearing about each person having their baby and saw pictures of these little people that sat in our bellies while we all talked about what it would be like to meet them.

Funny enough I delivered my baby on a cold October Thursday. Friday, two of my fellow pregnant centering mamas had their babies too! So, they both found my room and how surprised was I when I saw them knocking at my door with their little boy and little girl! Tears of joy and tiredness could be seen in our eyes as, without words, we connected and empathized with each others labors and deliveries and rejoiced in getting to know each others little ones. I will never forget that moment and how it made me feel so much better in my own recovery!

To close the circle, our facilitators scheduled one last meeting, known as “Meet the Babies”. We all went back to the office with our little ones and shared our experiences, processed as a group our labor stories, and most importantly finally introduced our babies. It was such a happy moment to see all our babies lying on the floor next to each other, healthy and joyful, while all the mamas sighed in content with the end of one journey and beginning of another.

The promise to stay in touch, was not one that was just said. So far, the group remains in touch and has met several times for walks, coffee, and talks. Now that some mamas are going back to work, it might be harder to keep the meetings going, but I have a feeling we will all continue to be in touch and continue sharing our joys and fears, as we raise our little ones in the upcoming years!

So, from reluctant to convinced, I would 100% recommend trying out this group medical visit if it is offered in your healthcare providers office. As any group, the connection that is established is truly dependent on the group members. I found myself to be incredibly lucky to have crossed path with these magnificent women and their babies. I believe that nothing happens by chance, and we were all meant to cross paths at that given moment in time. My pregnancy and postpartum might have been experienced in a completely different way had I not met them. My journey was blessed by having known each and every one of them. And for that, I thank you all!

Being Pregnant: 3rd Trimester Overview

Early Tuesday morning I started this draft about my third trimester of pregnancy. Little did I know that later that day I would be going into labor (even though the baby was only born 2 days later, but that’s a story for another post). So the draft has been pending on my WordPress for almost two months now. However, here is the post, as written that same day:

Tuesday, October 15th 2013

I have to admit – I never thought that I would be one of those unfortunate people who go over 40 weeks. One, I just had a feeling it would happen before for us; and two, I thought my little pumpkin would be as in a rush as her mommy always is.

And here we are today: 40 weeks and 6 days. So since I have nothing to do, until this baby comes (because I did everything already, being over prepared as I am), why not write-up the overview of what the third trimester was like?

From week 28 until around week 36/37 most of our time was spent around practical baby stuff. This was the time we needed to put it all together. So then began all the shopping, painting, and decorating. I have to say though, it was really fun! Planning out a nursery and seeing it come to life was so fulfilling… and we couldn’t stop imagining our little one sleeping and playing in there. So from painting the room, to getting furniture, buying clothes, toys, and gadgets, 10 weeks flew by! We tested out our car seat and stroller, washed and put away all the little clothes, and spent time rocking in our rocking chair and  just taking it all in!

Another great moment in the third trimester: baby-showers! Having a baby is one of those times you feel so appreciated and loved by everyone. It seems to me that it’s just one of those times where you see how truly the community wants to help you when they know a new member is on its way. We were blessed with 3 wonderful showers (one from family and two from our respective co-workers) and just felt the love, the concern, and the happiness that a baby brings to everyone around us too. You hear all the stories and you can see you are also bringing joy to others who are happily reminiscing on their own experiences.

Now, to the negative side. It is true! By 9 months you are so done being pregnant! You’re heavy, big, and rely on others to do many mundane tasks, like tying your shoes. Of course not everyone is the same, but the belly, the swollen ankles and feet that don’t fit to any of your shoes, the baby lying on your bladder and so on… make for a very uncomfortable last month. Add an extra week or two to that if you are overdue… and what a treat!!!

On the other hand, anxiety and expectations start to build up. Your hospital bag is probably packed by now and the countdown begins. You hit 37 weeks and you know your baby is full-term. 38 weeks… it can happen any day now… Your Braxton-Hicks are starting to play tricks on you and you think you might be going into labor at least 3 times before it actually happens. 40 weeks… OK, this is starting to get annoying and now you are scheduling non-stress tests and talking about inductions. Your mind keeps thinking about what day the baby is actually going to arrive, where will your water break, what will you do if you are at work, etc. By 41 weeks… you can’t even believe your still pregnant and start thinking you will be pregnant forever and that this baby is not going to come out.

And so the third trimester flies by… filled with exciting tasks in preparation for your bundle of joy and a lot of waiting and expectation too.

It’s a wonderfully overwhelming month that culminates with the so anticipated day… the day where your life will change forever.

Once again, bad rep for Postpartum Depression

A couple of weeks ago the news was filled with the story of a mother of a 1 year-old baby that tried to drive into the White House.  After a chase through Washington DC, she was shot and killed. What was the media’s focus? The mother suffered from postpartum depression.

Time and time again I hear the media talking about postpartum depression. Are they trying create awareness and tell the public what it is? No! They talk about it when there is a serious (and rare) event that ends in a harmful way.

It truly makes me angry. As if there was not enough stigma in this world around postpartum depression as it is, the only times you hear about this condition in the media is when something like this happens. Something that most likely  wasn’t even a case of just postpartum depression (PPD) or even PPD at all. So women, that are so many times already afraid to admit their postpartum mood, see these stories on the evening news and are either afraid that they too will do something extreme or otherwise think what they are feeling is probably something else other than PPD. This negative media coverage of PPD needs to stop. It’s not helping women seek help when they need it. On the contrary. It makes them feel more ashamed to talk about it openly and the isolation just makes it worst.

Let’s get back to the basics here.  Let’s start with setting things straight and saying: as much as a child is wanted, it is NORMAL to have some mood changes in the postpartum period. 

Here is a very brief description of the three most common mood disorders seen in the postpartum period.

BABY BLUES

– 50-85% of mothers in the first two weeks experience mood fluctuations like irritability, anxiety, and emotional reactivity. Usually symptoms are mild and go away on their own.

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION 

– 13% of women will experience PPD in the first year of a child’s life, usually starting after 4 weeks.

– Symptoms are moderate to severe and can include: depressed mood, anxiety, feelings of guilt, insomnia or hypersomnia, fatigue, negative feelings towards the baby, and in some cases, suicidal ideation.

POSTPARTUM PSYCHOSIS

– 0.01% of women can experience this in the first 3 months postpartum

– Symptoms are severe and considered a psychiatric emergency and can include: delusions, hallucinations, agitation, cognitive impairment, and disorganized behavior.

– Typically, this occurs in women with history of mental illness.

So after reading this description, I would like to point out that most of the cases labeled as “postpartum depression” in the media, are most likely not PPD, but postpartum psychosis, a rare, severe postpartum psychiatric disorder. Another possible scenario is that these women happened to have been diagnosed with PPD but also suffered from other mental health issues like psychosis, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc., but somehow, the PPD is the diagnosis that the media focused on.  Either way, what is coming out to the public is: PPD is a really horrible thing that makes you do very crazy things, like driving into the White House with a 1-year-old in the back seat. We need to stop this negative publicity. Specially, because if you look closely to one of the symptoms of actual PPD, you will find “FEELINGS OF GUILT”.  So, with all this negative rep around PPD in the media, we are only feeding into one of the symptoms that already exists in PPD. We are making new mothers, that already feel guilty about their mood, in what is supposed to be the happiest times of their lives, feel afraid to admit to friends, family, and doctors that they feel this  way, because “what if I end up like that lady on TV?”.

It’s just a very negative cycle that needs to stop. And the media, should do women and society a favor and do two things:

1. Get your facts straight when reporting on Mental Health diagnosis on national television;

2. Use your power to give valuable information to people who need it. Help spread the word about PPD. Help normalize it and not stigmatize it even more than what it already is.

I would just end with a sentence from a Massachusetts campaign: “Being a mother is a hard job”. If you think you are experiencing postpartum depression, talk to someone you trust and ask a provider for help. Suffering from PPD does not make you a bad mother. There is no reason for you to suffer in silence. Look for help, so both you and your baby can get back on track to a great early start!

Bully: from feeling to changing

In no way is this post intended to be a review of bullying research or strategies to deal with bullying. It is only a heart-filled post of someone who saw a documentary that makes you think, feel, and makes you want the world to change.

Last week my husband tells me he saw this great documentary on Netflix that shook is soul and that I needed to watch it. So we both did. I am talking about the film Bully, a documentary by Lee Hirsch, that takes you on an emotional journey of the lives of those affected by bullying. The kids, the parents, the friends, the community.

It is almost impossible to watch without experiencing strong emotions that make you question how the world has got to the place it is. A place where children can be so cruel to other children. A place where parents have such a hard time protecting their children from terrible things. A place where schools have such a hard time dealing with the bullies and the bullied. You think to yourself how you would never allow this to happen to your kids, to your students. But, you also don’t know what the best way to help is. Bullying is such a complex social issue that it is hard to even know how to encourage children to protect themselves. Should they call the adults? Then, there is a risk that the bullying will increase. Should they stand up for themselves? Then, there is a chance that they themselves become the aggressor. It just makes you think that parents and schools need to step up their games if they want children to grow up in a healthier social-emotional environment.

Schools should be staffed with more professionals that can work with children and youth on social-emotional skills. Children should be taught good social skills. Healthy friendships and groups should be encouraged. Kids with problematic behaviors should have access to appropriate services, not only at school, but at home, as well.

We live in a world where parents teach their kids that they need to be tough. They need to be the strongest in order to survive in this world. They prefer their children to stand up for themselves, even if that means being mean, aggressive and scary, than to be the “weak” one. If there was one thing that kept coming to my mind while watching this documentary it was: “if I even suspect that my child is not being friendly, nonetheless bullying someone, there will have to be some serious consequences. I do not want my child to think that doing something like that is ok. I don’t want them growing up thinking that if they are meaner and stronger, they will get what they want. I want my child to live with principles of respect, friendship, and love. I want the world to be a place where people can be who they are and can all respect each other. I want a world where you can feel that you are respected by others and that you can be happy.

We live in a society. We live in a world where you should not be constantly afraid of others. Others that are like you, others that are different from you. I feel like I have said this many times in the short life of this blog, but change can only happen one person at a time. If you take charge of your life, of your family and I take charge of mine… well, that’s two more families positively contributing to the world. And if more people do the same… so many great things can happen! The Bully Project is an example of how someone’s pain, someone’s loss, someone’s willingness to make the world a better place, allied with a couple of other people who feel the same way, can start something bigger.

So, let’s make some change. Let’s make the world a better place. Today.

Yet again, another tragedy…

Just in December I wrote an emotional post about the Newtown shootings. Only 4 months later, here I am again. Sitting in my chair in profound sadness about yet another tragic event, this time so close to home… in Boston.

I can not and do not even want to express my emotions into a post at this time. My feelings continue to be the same as in December. My heart cries for a family that was celebrating such a great achievement: a dad showing his family he could run a marathon if he really tried. And a wonderful, energetic, and cheerful day, ends in such deep pain. With an 8-year-old that passed away, a mother with severe injuries having brain surgery, and his little 6-year-old sister in the hospital after loosing a leg. What profound sadness for this family and all the other victims and injured.

If you have children that are talking about this or asking questions about what happened in Boston, I will share with you a resource found this morning about how to talk to your children about what happened yesterday – click here. You can also follow my Facebook page where I post more regularly small news and information relevant to children and parents.

I would just like to share a great quote that I found this morning. I thought it was a great thing to hang on to in a moment like this. Do your best to find your inner peace… even on sad, turbulent, painful days like these…