“Do you have kids?”
I can not emphasize enough, how many times I have been a target of this question. I understand where people are coming from, I do. Here is this young women, that doesn’t even have kids, telling me what to do with mine? Believe me, I can see where you are coming from. I told people many times I did not have kids. At some point, tired of the question, I never lied about having kids, but spoke in a fashion that made it seem like I did: “Well, what we usually do with kids…” Either way, eventually, after working together, they would agree that it really didn’t matter if I had kids or not. We were working together to find out what helped their family in particular.
When I started this blog, my intent was purely to make it a blog dedicated to babies, mommies (and daddies) and all the emotional issues related to them both individually and as a dyad/triad. This continues to be my goal. However, with recent personal developments, it has become harder and harder not to personalize and think about my own experiences.
Little did I know, when I wrote back in January Being a Mother is Hard from the Start, that so soon after that I would personally experience a lot of those different emotions. Yes, my husband and I are expecting our first child in October and couldn’t be happier. And yes, this will soon be a mix of a child development/psychology blog with a touch of mommy diary/blog. And don’t get me wrong. When I said that “little did I know” I didn’t mean, “ups“. This was a very planned and wanted pregnancy. However, as I soon was to find out, as much planning and organization you usually put into things, pregnancy is not one that you can control… at all! So, in January, after some time of “practice” we were pleasantly surprised to find out that would be the month. The month where all our odds worked together in our favor. I had the pleasure to give my husband the best birthday present he could have ever asked for. And so, the ups and downs of the psychological (and physical) journey of pregnancy officially began.
Now, in first person, I can say that being a mother is hard from the start (even though I am still far from the end). I think that as soon as I got pregnant I started being a mom. As weird as that sounds, the worries and the sleepless nights began. Initially, the worries about miscarriage and worrying about every little cramp and upset. Then, feeling sick all day and having mixed feelings about how that can be a good thing or a bad thing. After that, having the worst cold of your life for 2 weeks and just thinking, how you don’t even want to take any medication, so your baby can be safe. Until the day of that first ultrasound. Fear was still predominant. Are they going to find something? Is everything ok? And then you see your baby. You see the tiny legs and arms… and then the most beautiful sound you will ever hear: that little heart beating as fast as it can. Music to our ears, tears to our eyes.
Time of relief? Well maybe after 12 weeks… when the outburst of joy is just impossible to hide! But then, there is always some other concern or thought. I don’t think that it’s a bad thing. It’s not anxiety, because it’s not an all time-consuming thought that can not let you function. But, rather something that already urges you to protect someone, that you can not even touch, that you have not even met. It’s part of a transformation, a journey, that just begun.
It’s been an interesting road so far with a lot of time to think, and feel, and reflect. I am glad I can finally share it also. Both the joys and the fears. How will this impact my work? It probably won’t. The answer to your question now is “yes, I do have kids”. But my responses will very likely be similar to what they were before. Except for now, I am experiencing it, I am feeling it, I am living it.